I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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