Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
