Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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