I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How external is "for external use only"?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
