so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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