My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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