This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
