well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
