We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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