We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
