I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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