how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
