nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
