so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
porn star boner night. come get it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
