Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
