gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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