You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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