i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
