you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
