I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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