I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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