I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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