Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
