I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You ruined the universe
Randomize