i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
