I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.