The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.