i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
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I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
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I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.