I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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