Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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