he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
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When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
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Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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