My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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