i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We just shotgunned beers for America
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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