She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
