My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
third nipple confirmed
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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