3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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