I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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