My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He shit in the fireplace
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