looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
