today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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