tell your sister to shave her snatch
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I deserve this hangover.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
