Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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