I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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