Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
