I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
