i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
