Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
she smelled like a LAN party
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
