she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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