She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
