I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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