he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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