So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
