hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
