I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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