i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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