i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
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I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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