How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
