i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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