I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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