did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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