I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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