Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
